


Avengers: Office War

by NoGenderOnMars, stephpeanutbutter16



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, M/M, and have rules, the avengers work in an office
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 16:53:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12214950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoGenderOnMars/pseuds/NoGenderOnMars, https://archiveofourown.org/users/stephpeanutbutter16/pseuds/stephpeanutbutter16
Summary: Someone let the Avengers write their own office rules. Phil Coulson deserves a raise.





	Avengers: Office War

**Author's Note:**

> Added Note: AO3 screwed up and posted this 5 times. So I picked one and deleted the others. Sorry for the confusion.

**The Official Avengers Office Rules™**

**An incomplete and ever growing list by Phil Coulson (with unwanted input from The Avengers)**

#1. This is an office. Please treat it as such. That means with respect. In case you missed that. 

#2. Respect your co-workers, and their property.

#3. Bucky’s arm is not a toy, Tony. It is his arm. 

#4. The shield is to be left alone. 

#5. Don’t insult Tony where JARVIS can hear you. He is full capable of ending civilisation as we know it, play nice with the AI

#6. Captain America and Sergeant Barnes can't get drunk. Please stop challenging them to drinking contests.

#7. Hide and Seek is allowed only in designated areas. Out of bounds includes, but is not limited to the labs, the lobby, personal living spaces, the shooting range, the archery range, airspace around and above the tower, and the kitchen. For the full list of designated areas, please refer to the Official Avengers Office Rules For Hide and Seek™.  

#8. Do not ask JARVIS to do your paperwork. He will  ~~ mess  ~~ fuck it up. Because he’s a little shit.

#9. No more cat videos.

#10. Making your coworkers cry is never an acceptable course of action. Don't do it. 

#11. I mean it Natasha. I don’t care how amusing it is for you to watch, ‘Tony Stark have a hissy fit’.

#12. Please do not prank call your coworkers. 

#13. If you ever hear the phrase ‘Everyone needs repulsors,’ or any variation of said phrase, run in the opposite direction and immediate notify Agent Coulson.

#14. Please stop sending memes of the avengers to the Avengers. 

#15. Don’t mess with Clint. If Natasha kills you, it’s your fault.

#16. Don’t mess with Natasha. If Clint kills you, it’s your fault.

#17. Don’t mess with JARVIS. If Tony kills you, it’s your fault.

#18. Don’t mess with Tony. If JARVIS kills you, it’s your fault. 

#19. Don’t mess with Steve. If Barnes kills you, it’s your fault. 

#20. Don’t mess with Barnes. If Steve kills you, it’s your fault.

#21. Amendment to #15-20: Just leave the Avengers alone. If you mess with them, and someone kills you, it’s your fault. 

#22. This does not mean you should threaten Sergeant Barnes’ life because you want to see ‘Captain America lose his shit’. Or vice versa. 

#23. Steve's shield is not to be used for indoor ultimate frisbee. (I'm looking at you Bucky.) 

#24. The Avengers are real. The Justice League is not. Please stop comparing your coworkers to members of the justice league. 

#25. Please stop comparing your teammates to members of the X-Men. Beast and The Hulk ARE NOT the same. 

#26. Don’t fight the X-men. I don’t care if Scott Summers started it first, Captain Rogers. Both teams are around to help defend the planet and you need to work together.

#27.Sam Wilson deserves better.

#28. If you make the microwave explode, you replace it.

#29. If you finish the coffee, please have the courtesy to brew a new pot. 

#30. DON’T TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE’S FOOD. 

#31. Closets are not to be used for making out, or for making dramatic entrances wearing a feather boa. 

_ JB- Yes they are. _

_ SR- Back in my day, we came in closets, not out of them. _

_ TS- Did Captain Freakin America just make a sex joke!?!?!? _

_ SR- I don't know why anyone thinks I'm innocent. _

#32.  ~~ Please turn off light switches when leaving the room.  ~~

       Steven Grant Rogers is not innocent and hasn't been a virgin since 1938. 

_ PC- Bucky you cannot make this a rule.  _

#33. Star Wars or Star Trek are not to be mentioned during office hours. Anyone caught trying to create conflict between employees using this method will be severely punished.

#34. If you break something replace it.

#34a. This does not include teammates. You cannot break a teammate in hopes of replacing them. 

#34b. AND INTERNS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE STOP TRYING TO BREAK THE INTERNS.

#35. Don’t place office bets on which of your teammates would win in a fight. 

#36. Especially if you then proceed to hold fight matches based on said betting pool.

#37. I don’t care that Thor and Banner are totally up for the fight, or if Steve and Tony are willing  to ‘beat the shit out of each other’. 

#38. THE OFFICE IS NOT A PROPER FIGHTING SPACE

#39: Stop lying to Thor about Earth customs.

#40. Couples must sit on separate seats during movie nights. For decency reasons. 

#41. Steve Rogers you are aware of what a ‘Netflix and chill’ is. Please stop asking.

#42. Don’t call Tony Stark short if you want to keep your knee caps intact. (sidenote: We don’t care how fast you may heal, Sergeant Barnes)

#43. Please don’t encourage Tony Stark. Ever. We beg of you. 

#44. Please do not piss off Dr. Banner. 

#45. Natasha can and will kill you with a paperclip if you annoy her.

#46. Natasha, please stop threatening the interns with paperclips, we do actually need them. 3 quit last year and it looks bad on company records.

#47. Don't take Steve’s original Bucky Bear if you value your life.

#48. Don't take Bucky’s either.

#49. Sci-Fi is not an acceptable genre to be used during movie night 

#50. Do not attempt to recreate the dinosaurs in order to prove that Jurassic Park is not fake science. 

#51. Stop trying to make Dr.Banner ‘hulk out’ at board meetings Mr.Stark. 

#52. Stop sending Thor newspaper headlines from the 1950s.

#53. Listening to music is acceptable. Forcing the entire office to listen to Hamilton at full blast is not.

#54. Star Spangled Man with a Plan, Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, The National Anthem, God Bless America, God Bless the USA, This Land is Your Land, America the Beautiful, and any and all parody versions related to Captain America are BANNED. For a complete list of banned music, please refer to The Official Avengers Office List of Officially Banned Songs and Albums™. 

#55. CLINT PLEASE STOP PLAYING BOOK OF MORMON AT FULL VOLUME. 

#56. Steve and Bucky will now be referred to as ‘Stucky’ or ‘Mr and Mr Rogers’ 

_ PC- No.  _

_                  SR- Actually, it’s Captain and Sergeant Roger-Barnes _

_                  JB- It’s Barnes-Rogers _

#57. Do not show Captain America or Sergeant Barnes the ‘Captain America’ font on Word

#58. The font Comic Sans is not allowed to be used on official documents. Especially official documents used for high ranking government officials. 

#59. All government work must be completed in Times New Roman.

#60. This office is a safe place for people of all genders, religions, sexual and romantic orientations, race, and everything. EQUALITY.

#61. Please for the sake of people’s eyes, limit the number of neon rainbows you are wearing. l know it’s pride month, I know you’re excited, but please, think of the employees’ eyes.

#62. You are not allowed to organise field trips to the Captain America museum.

_ TS-  You totally are. Do it. _

#63. No making out in museums. The staff do not care if you 'are old enough to be in the exhibit,or if you are the exhibit.

#64. DON'T STEAL MUSEUM STUFF WE DON'T CARE IF IT WAS YOURS ORIGINALLY BARNES.

#65. Please keep to your own personal space during movie nights. This includes draping yourself over 5 people Tony.

#66. Do not attempt to summon the devil. 

#67. Casual Fridays do not mean you can wear boxers to work. Even if they do portray Avengers uniforms. (TONY)

#68. Please do not attempt to bounce quarters off Captain Roger’s ass. I don’t care if it’s “for science”.

_ JB- Okay but Steve does have the best ass  _

#70*. Phil Coulson deserves better. 

#71. No installing sentient AI's separate to JARVIS in household appliances, Clint almost died when the toaster complained about his bread choice.

#72. Don't toast seeded bagels in the sentient toaster it doesn’t like it

#73. Don’t touch the coffee machine if you value your life.

#74. The following games are banned from The Official Avengers Office Game Night™ (this is an incomplete list. For a full list of approved games, please refer to the The Official Avengers Office Game Night Approved Game List™) Monopoly, Poker, Apples to Apples, Bop-It, Sorry, The Game of Life, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Risk, Trivial Pursuit, The Official Howling Commandos Strategy Game, Battleship,

#75. Any movies or documentaries based on any of the avengers, or relatives of the avengers, are banned. (Yes this includes any and all Norse mythology documentaries)

#76. Please stop sending around those "which avenger are you quizzes" using the office email. Those are for business use only.

#77. Any variation of these quizzes, including but not limited to: which avenger is your soul mate, which avenger is your parent, which avenger is your spouse, and would I make a good avenger are also banned from the office space.

#78. It should go without saying that #75 is also referring to any and all movies based on, around, or about the life of Captain America. Or Captain America himself. 

#79. Natasha, please stop sending links to said movies. 

 

*rule 69 has been skipped due to low maturity levels in the office.

Steve, we know you understand this. Stop claiming 30s sensibilities.

**Author's Note:**

> Basically this came about cause we started throwing around office ideas when the thor teaser trailer dropped and "friend from work" was still relevant. Now we're getting around to posting it because our lives aren't (crazy) hectic. this is part of a much larger "the avengers work in an office in stark tower au" that will probably never be complete.  
> -steph


End file.
